3 ways to supercharge your desire – and your sex life
Esther Perel, psychotherapist and best-selling author of The New York Times "Mating in Captivity," has a lot to say about the subject of desire – and how to keep it in long-term relationships. Her TED Talk on the subject has generated a cool 14 million views to date, and it's not over.
For Perel, we have "a strong need, men and women, for adventure, novelty, mystery, risk, danger, unknown, unexpected surprise".
A flourishing sex life can be one of life's greatest pleasures, but like many things, it takes thought and work to stay strong. If you're ready to try incorporating some of the adventure, novelty and mystery that Perel is talking about, these ideas can help.
1. Dive into a certain distance
If eroticism is based on the unknown, maintain a certain unknown in your relationship. You don't have to create a secret life, but perhaps keep the most mundane aspects of your life secret. Many of us have constant, all-day communication with our romantic partners about traffic, shopping, work stress and what we had for lunch. Try to get excited by thinking of a turkey on rye!
Instead of sharing these bland details, when you feel the desire to connect with your partner, instead reach out with a naughty text like: "Thinking about our last kiss and I can't wait for the next one … & # x1F525; & # x1F618; & # x1F483; & # x1F3FC;. ”Yes, clear things up with emojis. As stupid and cartoony as they are, the visual element increases our ability to fantasize and therefore increases the heat.
2. Balancing vulnerability and therapy
"Be Vulnerable" is a message we are hearing more and more from personal development gurus, relationship experts and therapists. In the spirit of keeping the room warm, it's important to understand the difference between showing vulnerability (sharing what's going on with you internally) versus your partner's emotional dumping.
Sharing with your partner is exactly what it sounds like. You tell them what and how you feel. "Hey, I'm really worried about the layoffs at work. Can you lie on the couch with me and snuggle up? It would make me feel really safe tonight. "
Dumping involves sharing too much, too soon and expecting your partner to solve the problem or heal you. "You know, I'm having dropouts from my dad, and I'm really having a hard time with your guys' trip and you're leaving me for a week." Eroticism can often drop for a couple when one partner feels too emotionally responsible for the other. Best practice: outsource your heavy objects to a therapist.
3. Be committed and enthusiastic about life
We are often attracted to people who like something cool – who are engaged in interesting things that enlighten them. Passion for life makes someone HOT. Check with yourself if you are excited about what you did yesterday, what you do today and what you will do tomorrow. If you answered "not really" more than once, you may need to add some serious interest to your weekly routine to increase your vibe – and your libido.
Volunteer, take a class, find a new hobby or exercise class – try flamenco dancing or rock climbing! – to light you then bring this fire in the room.
Spicing up your relationship can be as simple as that. No special skills or toys required! Try one (or all) of the solutions above and create something new, fresh and a little mysterious in your sex life.
Andi Forness is a professional dating coach who helps single and successful women to use online dating as a personal development program to not only find a partner but also to feel fulfilled in all areas of their lives. Take his free guide, Dating profiles that attract your ideal dates: 5 essentials.